We make fun of Episcopalians for their blandness, their excessive calm,

their fear of giving offense, their lack of speed and also for their secret

fondness for macaroni and cheese. But nobody sings like them. If you were to

ask an audience in Des Moines, a relatively Episcopalianless place, to sing

along on the chorus of “Michael Row the Boat Ashore,” they will look daggers

at you as if you had asked them to strip to their underwear. But if you do

this among Episcopalians, they’d smile and row that boat ashore and up on

the beach! ….And down the road!

Many Episcopalians are bred from childhood to sing in four-part harmony, a

talent that comes from sitting on the lap of someone singing alto or tenor

or bass and hearing the harmonic intervals by putting your little head

against that person’s rib cage. It’s natural for Episcopalians to sing in

harmony. We are too modest to be soloists, too worldly to sing in unison.

When you’re singing in the key of C and you slide into the A7th and D7th

chords, all two hundred of you, it’s an emotionally fulfilling moment. By

our joining in harmony, we somehow promise that we will not forsake each

other.

I do believe this, people: Episcopalians, who love to sing in four-part

harmony are the sort of people you could call up when you’re in deep

distress. If you are dying, they will comfort you. If you are lonely,

they’ll talk to you. And if you are hungry, they’ll give you tuna salad!

Episcopalians believe in prayer, but would practically die if asked to pray

out loud. Episcopalians like to sing, except when confronted with a new hymn

or a hymn with more than four stanzas.

Episcopalians believe their Rectors will visit them in the hospital, even if

they don’t notify them that they are there. Episcopalians usually follow the

official liturgy and will feel it is their way of suffering for their sins.

Episcopalians believe in miracles and even expect miracles, especially

during their stewardship visitation programs or when passing the plate.

Episcopalians feel that applauding for their children’s choirs will not make

the kids too proud and conceited.

Episcopalians think that the Bible forbids them from crossing the aisle

while passing the peace.

Episcopalians drink coffee as if it were the Third Sacrament.

Episcopalians feel guilty for not staying to clean up after their own

wedding reception in the Fellowship Hall.

Episcopalians are willing to pay up to one dollar for a meal at church.

Episcopalians still serve Jell-O in the proper liturgical color of the

season and Episcopalians believe that it is OK to poke fun at themselves and

never take themselves too seriously.

And finally, you know you are a Episcopalian when:

-It’s 100 degrees, with 90% humidity, and you still have coffee after the

service.

-You hear something really funny during the sermon and smile as loudly as

you can.

-Donuts are a line item in the church budget, just like coffee.

- When you watch a Star Wars movie and they say, “May the Force be with

you,” and you respond, “and also with you.”

- And lastly, it takes ten minutes to say good-bye . . . .

(NOTE: Garrison Keillor attends St. John the Evangelist Episcopal Church in St. Paul, Minnesota)